Listen
At Bellis, we are often asked about the organization’s POV. That is, our “Point of View” – our stance, our take on things, or our opinion. After all, Bellis is a collective of hundreds of real-life stories about adoption and foster care. By now, haven’t we heard enough to pick a side and take a public stand?
What do we make of the fact that some see adoption as a solution to be celebrated, especially in states where women can no longer choose abortion? And what do we think of others who see adoption as an unwilling pawn in a national chess game of power and politics?
This tension to “take a side and advocate” is low-key, but it’s always present. Our lack of POV can be frustrating for some and make it appear as if we stand for nothing. It’s similar when individuals come to Bellis to find others who agree with their beliefs that adoption is “always” good or “always” damaging or “always” … something. It’s usually based on their personal experiences, which profoundly affected their lives. And they don’t want to be alone in that feeling of joy and relief or pain and anger.
If you check out the Bellis social media feeds, they are void of POV posts on adoption-related trending topics. It’s not that we don’t all have personal thoughts or that we’re naïve about the benefits that a “take-a-stand” message might bring in organizational visibility.
Believe it, Bellis does stand for some things. At times, we may live them wholly imperfectly, but we always aspire to these standards:
Vulnerability as a way to growth
Radical hospitality
Inclusivity of people, experiences, and stories
Honor in our relationships with each other
Rather than a POV, Bellis offers a simple suggestion:
Listen.
When we listen with intention and patience, we understand – without a doubt – that it’s beyond anyone’s ability or wisdom to put stories of adoption or foster care into neat categories to prove a point. We understand that to share these personal stories is very vulnerable and brave work.
One adopted person brims with authentic joy for her life with her family, with whom she shares no biological heritage. The next adopted person feels an unmistakable gap in his identity because his birth family didn’t raise him. Some birth parents feel they were coerced into giving birth and/or placing their child for adoption. Others see it as the best decision they ever made.
At Bellis, we won’t deny their truths or tell them they just don’t understand what really happened to them. Would you?
By “taking a stand” on one side of a trending news item, we would dishonor many of the stories we hear.
After nearly 40 years, Bellis is the holder of countless stories of adoption and foster care. These are true stories of great grief and joy. They are sacred. They don’t beg for advocacy; they beg for acceptance. We believe that holding those stories is enough. Other organizations do things differently, and we honor and celebrate that.
While our support groups are expert-led, our mission is achieved entirely by those who show up for each other to do that one thing so very well:
Listen.
Jenny Eldredge is executive director of Bellis, adoptive mom of two incredible young women, and summer-loving avid gardener.